IPW

State of the Union, 1st Draft

This first draft of the State of the Union speech was found stuck to the bottom of Dick Cheney's shoe. It was hand written in pencil and had many fanciful drawings in the margins. We have left out words that were crossed out, but left in the misspellings.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, The President of the United States of America"

(deafening applause)

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you very much. And tonight, I have a high privilege and distinct honor of my own -- as the first President to begin the State of the Union message with these words: Madam Speaker.

(Mild to luke warm Applause.)

Ha Ha, that's funny stuff, Madam Speaker. Who knew by golly? Well, Now that that's over. Ladies and Gents, I am standing here tonight thanks to Jeebus..uh Jesus Christ who personally anointed me with this position and I have taken that fact and ran with it. The fact that I was divinely positioned in this position gave me much political capital. Which I have felt free to spend. I have SPENT my political capital and now I ask you ladies and gents, got any to spare? I'm just trying to raise enough to get back to Texas. Heh heh

(Applause, great amounts of Laughter?)

But seriously folks, we are in a pickle in Iraq. A grade "A" sour pickle. Not sure how we got there, I don't like to dwell in the past. See, the Democrat party dwells in the past. This happened, this didn't happen, you cut funding for the dykes in Louisiana long before the hurricane thumped it, you made up a bunch of stuff about yellow cake uranium, you know, past stuff. But me, I like to talk about the future. How the heck can we get out of this pickle in Iraq in the future? This is a war that we won a couple times, now we just need to win it a couple more times. An with God's help, and Allah's

(pause for sidesplitting laughter)

Heh heh, With them boy's help we'll win it once and fur all. An about other stuff, dormestic stuff, well, that's gonna work itself out. Mah fiscal plan is gonna be to stop spending so much durn money in Eyeraq, once we win, once them turrurists stop "bringing it on" Heh heh, once our boys and girls come home to there mommas, we can REFOCUS (maybe I should lift mah hand and pinch mah thumb and forefinger together here) we can REFOCUS our CAPITAL on 'Merica.

(Standing ovation, people fallin all over the place clappin')

(wait fur dern clappin' to stop cause people are still cryin' an hootin all over ther place)

An there's some other stuff, but I haven't thought of it yet. But then here's mah closin line:

In such courage and compassion, ladies and gents, we see the grit of America -- and these qualities ain't lackin. This is a decent and honorable country -- Ah like it here. We've been through a lot together. We've met challenges and faced dangers, and we know that more lie. Ahead. Lies ahead, careful heh heh heh. Yet we can go forward with cornfidence -- because the State of our Union is strong, our cause in the world is right, and tonight that cause goes on. God bless.

(Crazy Applause. People are cryin an cheerin and durn it if it don't look like a gospel thingy cause people are throwin their clothes all around)

See you next year fur another durn good speachin. Thank you for your prayers to Jeebus.

*You can find the final draft of the speech here:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/01/20070123-2.html

Posted by ian at January 25, 2007 09:21 AM