IPW

Dolphin Garnish

Now as you all are well aware, I collect nemesis like fortune cookie fortunes, studying them and then putting them away in an old shoe when they prove to be uninformative. I have as many old shoes as nemesis, and like the old shoes, they always come in pairs. You may not have any idea what I'm on about, so let me fill you in. My good friend Stirling, who runs a competing and much funnier blog on the other side of town has thrown down the gauntlet. He has slapped me in the face with his glove, and insulted the thing most important to me in the world: The Seal of the City of Seattle. He has also threatened to punch me in half. What he doesn't know is this: like the common earth worm, known primarily for it's eating of earth, when punched in half I eventually grow myself back again into two Me's. I have been punched in half more times than I can remember (17) by stronger nemeses than he, and I have doubled each time. That is why there are 34 of me and only one of him. My 33 clones (they all disagree who the original is) are constantly active, alert. In defense. Well, about 10 of them are, the others have gone on to do other things. Some of them hold the top spots on the Ian Webster Google page, but we've covered that already. Of the 10 that are still on the defensive, 6 are sleeping at any given time, leaving 4 to guard me. Never mind that 3 of the 4, nay, all 4 are down a the bar right now, leaving me essentially alone. They could come back at any time.

What I'm saying is this, Stirling McLaughlin: You may SOUND like an entirely invented person, but I know you are not. I also know that you will not punch me in half, now, or never. Unless you want to bring on 34 worlds of hurt that is.

For those of you who STILL don't know what I'm talking about, here is the evidence:

http://stirlingmclaughlin.wordpress.com/2006/12/04/i-will-punch-you-in-half/

and, most dastardly, his handiwork:

Yes, it appears that Stirling has severed Chief Seattle's head, arranged it on a plate with a garnish of pinecones and dolphins, then mockingly inscribed my hometown's name across the top of the whole composition. I would return the favor to his own hometown's hero, but the icon of Donutburg, Pennsylvania appears to be only the lowly donut which is unable to sink any lower.

Posted by ian at December 5, 2006 12:37 AM