IPW

A Bird Dies in Brooklyn

I wasn't intending to inform my good readers about my small act of civil heroism, it was really nothing, and probably saved fewer than 5,000 lives. Ordinarily I'd step back and let others take the credit, but this time is different. This time, I have paperwork.
Several weeks ago, M and I were walking down South 4th street to our pad, when I noticed a curious sign posted to a tree, handwritten it said:

" Please do not remove these dead birds, let the Dpt. of Health do it "

Naturally, I looked for the avian corpses, which I presently found, tits up, at the base of the tree. Sure enough, three dead birds, juncos perhaps, though I am less than a competent bird watcher, even when dead. (not me, the birds, when I'm dead I can assume I'll be even less able) The next tree bore a similar sign, and at the base, similar results, two more fat dead brown birds. Three dead birds in one tree is one thing, but two more in the next tree over is troubling. I immediately diagnosed that they had died from whatever toxic spray they are using to eradicate asian bark beetle, or tree worm, or leaf monkey etc. it fit in nicely with my private conspiracy theory that that spray is killing everything it touches, so I called 311.

For those of you outside of NYC, 311 is the NON-emergency number to call when you have a complaint, a suggestion, and emotional issue having to do with the city. It is quite a good service actually, but my previous encounters with it had more to do with surly operators hanging up on me than anything else (I wanted to ask if it was ok to have a sidewalk sale in front of our building, and, saving the tax payers 4 cents of their time, they hung up).

This time, the man on the other end of the line was listening. Dead birds? Oh, hang on. He put me on with someone else, who also listened as I described the type of bird, the exact location, and the handwritten signs on the trees. Having failed to recognize me as the idiotic sidewalk saler, they actually took my call seriously, and thanked me for pointing the way to the carnage. The next day, they even called me back to say that they would be sending out a crew that evening, but if for some reason they missed them, I was to dawn rubber gloves, a face mask and plastic bags, and do the deed myself. Apparently, this was a serious situation. Finally, I thought, some attention will be paid to the terrors of spraying the trees for gypsy moths and whiskey critters. But a quick search on the net told me different. Clusters of dead birds generally mean one thing: West Nile Virus.

That very evening, the Dept. of Health came, followed by news crews, to the scene of the epidemic. Some locals, original to the neighborhood, complained that they hadn't been listened to when they called, but were glad that someone finally came. I assume these were the sign writers. I also assume, that the operator at 311 had no idea what they were talking about, since they were barely comprehensible on TV.

Now this all happened some time ago, and I had forgotten about the incident (though I was reminded a little of it two days ago when I was hit in the leg by a flying bird, while walking back from lunch). But I was reminded, and inspired to write about it this evening, when I opened my mail box to find five seperate letters from the NYC Dept. of Health. Each weighed the same, and each had identical postmarks. Each were addressed to me. I stared at them in wonder, what malfunction had caused this pile-up of letters? The first one I opened read:

Re: Dead Bird located on BEDFORD Ave. and S. 4TH St. has been assigned for pick up
Report Number: 57355

That's odd, thought I, that was weeks ago and they were picked up right away. I opened the next one. It was the same. I stared at it until I found the only difference:

Re: Dead Bird located on BEDFORD Ave. and S. 4TH St. has been assigned for pick up
Report Number: 57356

Five dead birds, five letters. Each incident of dead bird with corresponding report number. God knows that if I ever find a bigger clutch of corpses, say, five HUNDRED birds, I ain't gonna report them, our mailbox can't fit that many letters.

Posted by ian at October 17, 2006 11:09 PM