IPW

I Broke the Internet

Sorry everyone, I realize I only have about three avid readers of this blog but I've let all three of them down. By posting my thoughts about the world I inadvertently broke the internet. I did warn you though that something big was going to happen. Technically I just broke Rob's server, VanBanyan (Named after the 19th century Explorer/Playboy/Beautician Daniel VanBanyan who among his many achievements counts discovering a direct route from Los Angles to Van Nuys California and inventing cattle) so that it no longer recognizes the WWW part which I find to be the most inflammatory bit anyway. Partially due to the internet being broken, I have taken a much needed rest from my week of daily publishings. Well, it was just a working week, 5 days.
I am back. In my absence some serious things have happened though, which will teach me to never let down my guard again. Let's review:

#1: A whale swam up the Thames River, all the way to the Houses of Parliament in London. Upon reaching Westminster Abbey it crawled out of the water and wrote its name in whalish on the Cathedral wall.

#2: Ford Motor Company is laying off up to a quarter of its workforce because it failed to take into account that when gas prices went up people might stop buying vehicles that got 12 miles to the gallon. People, these are some of the richest men in America, are they God Fearing Republicans? I would bet yes. Is that relevant? I would say, yes. You might think I'm exaggerating, you'd be wrong:

"Chairman and CEO Bill Ford said the cuts would be painful, but are necessary in order to respond to customer demands. He admitted that Ford had been hurt by the customer shift away from large-size SUVs, leaving Ford with too much capacity of the large, less fuel-efficient vehicles." -CNN

That is just dumb. Unfortunately the majority of the people they laid off were other God Fearing Republicans. Oops. (BTW I have nothing on hand to support that statement other than the fact that most the layoffs will occur in three red states and one blue one. And one factory in Ontario.)

#3: The Seattle Seahawks, whose stadium I helped build (against my wishes), after having demolished the Kingdome in spectacular fashion have gone on to win the AFC Championships and will be battling the Pittsburgh Steelers in the Superbowl in a couple weeks. Seattle responded to this news by totally freaking out. It is the single biggest event in Seattle history, greater even than the time Seattle Mayor Paul Schell single-handedly defeated Al Qaeda by canceling the New Years celebrations in 1999. But Ian, you say, you don't live in Seattle, how do you know they freaked out? #1 Because I know Seattlites. #2 Because I listened to talk-radio via the internet which I broke. I was disturbed to hear the callers who complained loudly about Seattle not getting any respect. I would point out to them that since we haven't won a championship of any kind since 1978 we probably don't deserve any. Other than for our high literacy rates which the country as a whole doesn't appreciate.

Well, as you might have guessed, I've been in the wine again, so I will end this update and fall face first into the bed. Tomorrow I will return to updating you on the happenings here in New Yohk City which will include stories of witnessing people behaving strangely and other completely normal occurrences.

Posted by ian at January 23, 2006 11:06 PM